Help :S

04/24/2008

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6:26)

I saw a strange bird today as I was walking into the mall on my lunch break. It had a bad foot that it kept curled under its body (perhaps from an old injury?) It didn't seem to be distraught or hurting in anyway - it just hopped around on its good foot eating bugs off the pavement seemingly contented and suddenly that verse came to my mind; followed shortly by this one:

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. (Isaiah 55:2)

What a conviction to have! And in the middle of the day, just as I'm walking into a mall! This isn't the first I've felt that conviction. Especially, in the last couple of days as I've progressively re-discovered an old flame (shopping). A few months ago by God's grace, for the first time since the undisciplined spending in college, I'm out of credit card debt. And yet with my new found freedom, the only thing I can think to do is buy more things for myself. Not important things, but showy things for a vacation I'm about to take; trendy things that in a month or two will be outdated (well maybe a little longer than that). But I couldn't shake this unwelcome thought, "I have more than enough. I'm so incredibly blessed, and yet I think that I need more?"
I still went into the mall! And I still bought things! (stupid, right?) - Well, actually, I only bought one thing... (which probably wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't like my 20th trip to the mall in the last 3 days) but I'm wondering now if God's shaking his head at me in disappointment, or if He feels more than disappointment (anger)? (which is a little unnerving) And I think that's what bothers me the most. The one thing God asks from us is to 'feed His sheep'. He says 'if you love me...' you will do this one thing. And the funny thing about that one thing is it usually brings more joy than I would ever imagine. Yet it's also the last thing I want to do (even knowing that). I guess that goes back to my discipline problem. Somehow it seems like more than that though - like intentional disobedience.

The crippled bird did make me sad. I kept imagining what injury it could have sustained to look so fragile. It also kind of reminded me of a bird this substitute teacher from one of my HS Biology courses had brought to class. She was the daughter of another teacher whom we had deemed "Dr. Doolittle" because he had a green thumb for animals. Anyway she had brought this crippled bird she was taking care of to class in a shoebox. Both of its feet were twisted and it hopped on the sides of both of them and would eat directly out of her hand. It was so awkward and SO CUTE!! I couldn't help staring (instead of concentrating on whatever test I was supposed to take). It wobbled around on the table and you could tell it totally loved her and completely trusted her!! It sort of made me want to be a vet.

Okay so a weird parallel comes to mind. Can you imagine how completely stupid it would be if this wobbly bird with the messed up feet refused to make the effort to hop (however awkwardly) to receive the handout (grace). Or maybe it thought it just looked so cool chillin' in its (designer) shoebox and hopping is just too much work? Over-active imagination? Probably. Maybe that last part seems a little off point, but it's not really. What is the purpose of buying new (wonderfully fabulous) clothes? If I was the only person in the world, would I still want them? Would I even care about my outward appearance? I don't know that I would - or least not to the extent that I do. Which means part of my love of new things must be for show? Maybe that seems like a given, but I know I've succeeded in deceiving myself that its' not on at least a few occasions. What if I was guaranteed to be the benefactor for millions if I agreed to give someone a penny? You darn well bet I would do it. So if we're promised to be blessed for keeping His commandments (back to the feeding the sheep discussion) isn't that the same thing? And if God can bless us - couldn't he just as easily bless those He's asked us to bless? (Instead of having us do it) Like God really NEEDS us bless people for him. Which means it's really for our own benefit (i.e., the joy of giving - and the resulting change in character). Darn it! It's always the thing we love the most that we're asked to give up. His presence should never be a burden. (In fact it usually brings joy and satisfaction) unless you've let something else creep into the number one spot in your life... ...and then it pinches; but, only while you hold onto that item with the misplaced priority.

So, if you're reading this, and you have any faith at all, please pray for me - that I'll give it up before God resorts to taking it from me. His discipline is never pleasant (and I can say that from personal experience). I need prayer.