06/06/2008
Last Sunday, during his sermon the preacher brought up that passage about not braiding your hair or wearing gold earrings and I suddenly found myself zoning out thinking about an incident that happened in Bible camp like forever ago. Part of the dress code was that girls couldn't wear sleeveless shirts (tank tops), the guys could mind you, just not the girls (it wasn't appropriate). But in the middle of the Yosemite forest with no air conditioning and 100+ degree weather, a few of the girls who'd managed to smuggle in tanks were brazen enough to actually wear them. And when they seemingly went unpunished more girls decided to as well. The women counselors brought all of the girls into the cafeteria for an intervention and scolded us on our immodest attire. They actually used that same passage on us and had us write it on notebook cards. "Modesty is the key, girls" they told us. I have to admit that particular verse has kind of bothered me since (it just seems sexist in nature). But then as the preacher started to explain the passage (he suddenly had my attention again), he said the original Greek word used was "cosmos" which meant "utter chaos and disorder". In fact this is where we get our word for "cosmetics" which means covering up the chaos – (yeah, that's a real self-esteem booster). Anyway I guess I didn't realize that passage was more about a "do" than a "don't. (I don't imagine the camp counselors did either). It's not saying "don't" dress up your appearance, it's saying "do" dress up your insides as well (work on your character).
Last night, after a brief discussion on the religion of different denominations (or rather one in particular) with a good friend, I later asked another friend about his personal beliefs in this same realm; and quickly, thereafter, wished I hadn't. (Actually, I was already having misgivings about how the first conversation went). It had seemed like a harmless question (and it would have been under normal circumstances) but after I asked it, I realized my motives for asking were different than I originally thought - I was harboring bitterness; from this very conservative church I grew up in - or rather around (the church we attended wasn't that conservative - but the more local branch of it was); with their oppressive Bible camps and seminars several times a year. I wasn't asking him to see what he thought; I was looking for an opportunity to tell him what I thought. It probably happened on several occasions but three in particular stand out in my memory (aside from the camp incident). Someone from that church had hurt my feelings. I think maybe "hurt" doesn't quite fully describe it. I felt indignant and humiliated (in a public environment). Being a very private person, the publicity of the situation seemed particularly devastating. Without realizing it, my hurt turned into bitterness and that bitterness shaped my view of all churches with that name. What's funny is that I really didn't realize I felt that way until it came out of my mouth the other night. The other curious thing is, that topic seems to have 'coincidently' found its way into more than one conversation over the past week (more than the two mentioned above). And, more often than not, I was not the one who brought it up.
Another 'coincidence' is that today's lesson (for this daily study thing I'm doing) was called "The unrelenting sword" and the topic was bitterness and unforgiveness (go figure). In one of the questions, the study pointed out the time frame involved in Absalom's bitterness; how he waited 2 years for David to do something about his sister's rape, then 3 more years in exile after he killed her rapist (his brother) and then another 2 years in Jerusalem waiting for David to forgive him (for killing his brother); And finally 4 years while he plotted to dethrone David to get his revenge. 11 years total! Which is about exactly how long I've been grudging this person who hurt me ('coincidence 5') and more than a little humbling; especially when put in that perspective. Eleven years! (has it really been that long?) And I realized, I haven't gotten over this because I haven't asked God for healing. I haven't really prayed about it at all; and I just basically haven't tried to get over it - I maintained (and partly still do) that I was right. Why should I let this go? And the answer to that (I know you've already figured out and probably already knew before you started reading this) is that I'm only hurting myself. I can stay angry for the next 50 years, (and have bitter, passive-aggressive conversations every time the topic comes up) but that doesn't bring me any closer to the 'feel good' of letting it go. (And certainly doesn't serve as punishment for someone I'm completely out of contact with). So I guess some lessons are more subtle than others; and then there are lessons like these, which are (as my friend says), practically printed in neon signs. ;)
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