Saturday, December 6, 2008

Foolish Pride

Something I read recently impressed me significantly. It was a article about control and the statement had to do with claiming surrender yet fighting for control. I guess the part that struck me was more than just the truth in it, but rather the source it came from. I don't know I've ever been very a modest person although I've considered myself this way on several occasions (that should've been my first clue). My love for Christ has this last year lead me to deeper and more intentional studies, more focused socializing and seeking to somehow further his kingdom. It seems though, that I stopped studying for the purpose of growth and started studying for other people. I'd read some truth and think "oh so-and-so should read this, they really need to hear it." Somewhere in the middle of these good intentions I stopped thinking I needed God's help in my own life. "I got this one, God - I can take it from here." I don't even think I realized when that changed; a collection subtle agreements. Isn't this always the way it happens?

So this article about control and actually a few more with the same author were written in such a authentically honest, and humble tone they touched me so deeply. It crossed my mind briefly over the next few days and then before I knew it, I had looked it up and was reading it again - there was something convicting there - the words were so powerful. I realized I was missing the power in my own life. I had charged ahead with my good works and didn't stop to ask God if I was even going the right direction.

Those who know me well know that I struggle with depression, and like diabetes (as I've heard it compared) it doesn't really ever go away; it requires daily 'medication'. My medication being constant communion, prayer, reflection and study. And now that I've gone so long without my medication I'm back here again, a complete wreck. Starting again from square one; so wrapped up in my own problems and feelings that I'm missing the opportunities Gods putting right in front of my face. Opportunities for REAL life. Not just happiness (based on happenings) but true joy regardless of circumstance. Rather than focusing on that person who let me down, the situation that didn't go the way I wanted it to, or any uncertainties with my future and its direction I should have my eyes on the road (the narrow road). Worry IS meditation - Even thinking of solutions, is still thinking about the problem and focusing on it.

Psalms 1:2-3 (MSG)
2-3 Instead you thrill to God's Word,
you chew on Scripture day and night.
You're a tree replanted in Eden,
bearing fresh fruit every month,
Never dropping a leaf,
always in blossom.

So if I'm so good at meditation why not focus my mental energy in the right direction? After all if wrong thinking is the root of depression, wouldn't it make sense that right thinking could be the cure?

James 1:25
25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

Lord, I'm starting over and this time I'll do it your way. I'm turning over a new leaf again with your power break my crutches - the pathetic gods I put in your place. They'll never hold me up. I'm at Your feet Lord and I need a reminder of hope right now more than ever. I'm desperate for something from you. Please forgive me for all the ways I've failed, for the ways I'm continuing to fail even as I tell you this. I long so desperately to be comforted by You. Give me clean hands and a pure heart. I love You.

Ps. 24:4-54 He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol
or swear by what is false. [a]
5 He will receive blessing from the LORD
and vindication from God his Savior.

"Even when rain falls even when the flood starts rising even the storm comes, I am washed by the water"
-NeedtoBreathe (Washed by the water lyrics)

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I love that you blog now and I can read your sweet thoughts.

So beautifully written and honest. My favorite is the last line:
"Give me clean hands and a pure heart. I love You."

i'm so blessed you are in my life and can't wait to read more of your thoughts as you process your relationship with God. love you.